31 years later

After a stubborn start in Kanab, UT at 2:25 in the morning, here I am living in Cedar City. Over the course of the last 31 years so many things have happened. I have lost the only grandma and grandpa I knew. My sister and I are closer than I thought we could be. I am more attached to my mom than I thought I would be. I married a wonderful man who loves me, even though I am a bit crazy and took me to the temple to be sealed. A long day to say the least that involved a trip to Manti and a reception afterward. I have 5 wonderful children, who I love so much. It amazes me sometimes just how much love I have for them. I have a job that I enjoy and feel appreciated at. I am close to graduating for SUU. Even though the darkness overtakes me sometimes, I know there is a light at the end. In primary today during my lesson, we touched on the first vision and I had glimpse of what it must of been like for Joseph Smith in the scared grove. I was talking about the moments before Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. How it must have felt for the darkness that overtook him before he light. I realized that when the darkness overtakes me it is satan trying to bring me down. Although I do not totally agree with the speaker in Sacrament Meeting that happiness is always a choice, because there are times when I want to feel happy. But the grips of which darkness have a hold on me cause me to not be able to have happiness. I know I am a work in progress and so grateful for a family and choice friends who understand it. I am thankful for so many things. Thank you to all of you who make my life so rich!

Crazy Life

Monday afternoon a surprise bit of money came in the mail, so we ventured to St. George. We took the kids to El Pollo Loco and to the park in Washington City. The food was yummy, the weather was pleasant, and we had a good time. By Tuesday, it was time for scouts, which encompassed most of the afternoon and evening. Between the den meeting and a planning meeting afterward, it was time for the end of the day. Wednesday brought the 3rd night without much sleep for me, so needless to say, I was short fused and fit to be tied. I got to work, which I enjoy ready to kick someone. I now know where the saying I feel like kicking the dog came from. I even comtemplated creating trouble, but thought the better of it. I have let my opinion be heard before, but to no avail. By the time I left work, I was feeling a bit better. Definitely past the wanting to kick someone phase. I let things get to me easily, when I have not slept well in many days. I am more emotional and have a tendency towards crying more. I fought the darkness off that day and was very successful. One small triumph! My birthday is coming in a hurry. We are going to get to go our for dinner just the two of us, because my mom and Mike will be watching the kids for us. It gives us about an hour!! We will take what we can get. Thomas is having his 6th birthday on the 3rd. He is inviting all of the kids from his class at school and primary. Everyone is his friend!! He tells me this quite often. I am going to have my camera up and going then, so I can post pictures of his party. My sister is also coming that weekend to have a family party. More pictures to come!! I like seeing my sister, as we have gotten older, we have grown closer. It is hard growing up being 5.5 years apart. She loves my kids though and treats them well. There are not many of us in our family, so we take what we can get...

Things I have learned this week...

Slowly but surely I am learning I can not control everything. It is something I struggle with all the time. More than most people know, because things would be better if I could just be in control. Yes, I know lots of stress comes with that. I have been dealing with that since I was little. I have learned that people are still generous in this world of take, take, take. I have learned that a little patience goes a long way. I am constantly learning that I need to communicate better, especially with my husband. If I do not tell him I need help, then he does not know. This goes back to the control issue. If I do it myself then I know it gets done, but if I need help I should not have to ask. I have learned there is a better mom inside of me. I just need to find her and soon, so my kids will know her. I am continuing to grow as a person even as I turn 31 on my birthday. I love being in primary. I understand things better when I learn them there. I have learned I can make a difference at my children's school, if I try just a little. I am learning slowly that the future ahead of me is good, even if it is little uncertain. I am learning so much from our sweet Meghan, who needs so much and yet we are still trying to figure out how to give it to her. I have learned, again, that little girls are born with attitude. She is a spitfire at just the age of 2. I am learning to make happy choices, so that my insides will be happier. I found this week at work that if I listen and sing along with music while I cook, I feel good. I have learned that losing someone, even if it is just the neighbor down the way, makes me feel sad inside. It reminds me of losing my grandma and grandpa, within 10 months of each other. I still miss them both so much. They had so much to teach me, especially grandpa and did not get the chance. Grandma taught me so much. She was part of our life from the time I was born, until she died. I know she is pleased with me now. I have learned slowly that few friends are better than no friends. I appreciate the REAL people in my life and cherish those who want to be in my life.

Saturday Morning

I woke up this morning to about 8 inches of snow on the ground. It is crazy. It is March, all be it not as crazy as when it has snowed in June. I am waiting for the global warming I have heard so much about. They say when it comes it will rain all the time. I love the rain! It is the reason why moving to Washington or Oregon would be right up my alley. Although then I would have to move all 7 of us and I have not wrapped my mind around it...yet. I really wish my camera was not lost, because I would like to post pictures of my 5 wonderful blessings and how fast they are growing. Zach is going to play tuba in the band this fall. Cameron is going to 3rd grade to be the smartest kid there. Thomas will be starting 1st grade already reading, so hopefully he will have a teacher good at multitasking with kids at different levels, like his Kindergarten teacher has. I have told her repeatedly how wonderful she is, but I do not think she realizes what a blessing she has been. Meghan, our sweet girl, will get to go the Preschool another year, 4 days a week. We are hoping to attend an Autism conference in April to get some good information to implement at home and for Dave to take to work with him to implement. Emma is wonderful. She is understanding most of the time with Meghan. I do not think it could be any other way. In the meantime, before we get to the fall, the kids will finish the grades they are in, play baseball/machine pitch/t-ball, Cameron and Thomas will play soccer later in the summer, and Zach wants to play football this year. I have agreed to this, however we really need to get some weights for him to lift everyday to be a little more than just skin and bones. We hope to make a couple of trips out of town, if we can convince Thomas it would will be fun. Life goes on...

Loneliness

So today, this morning I was feeling really happy and good about myself. After a series of events, I now feel totally alone. Even with 5 kids running around and a husband. I could have gone to Relief Society for the birthday party, but decided that I probably would not have anyone to sit by and the food is never that great, so I did not go. So here I am struggling to fight the darkness I feel. It seems like when I get this way it takes longer for me to get rid of it. I have so many things to be thankful for, they are numerous. But it seems like the things I do go unnoticed. I am hoping tomorrow will be better, however if I can not fight off the darkness it may not be.